Paternal Energy

A little of you in me

I always wanted…

Corner of comfort

Staring out the window

Dragging in, and then,

blowing smoke in circles

Far reaching stare

Head full of thoughts

Helpless demeanour

Easy nature

Aggression a word

alien in your world

Worried glances

Thoughtful look

Questions in your head

Answers to none

Silence, that was you

Did you even have a voice?

Yet, a little of you in me

I always wanted…

Talk to me

Say something…

I would often plead

I reached out to you

You were all ears

But I heard nothing

A peek into your head

I desired,

So I could ease my pain

Alas! in vain…

Misery in your eyes,

Unjustified…

For a soul so pure,

Your love so comforting

You existed,

Ever lived your life?

Yet, a little of you in me

I always wanted…

Sometimes you spoke

Imparting words of wisdom

Those golden words

Stood me in good stead,

at every walk of my life

I listened with full intent

Watched with gratitude

Movement of your lips

Forming words so rare

I eagerly took it all in

For, a little of you in me

I always wanted…

Carrom time, family time,

Long artistic fingers

Crossed over to strike

My eyes fixated

on your fingers

Pocketing coins so deftly

I looked at you

Your mouth forming an ‘O’

Circles of smoke gushing out

My x-ray eyes could see

Lungs charred, ashed out

My pain I would hide,

My fears I would gripe

For a little of you in me,

I always wanted…

Man of few words

You loved to sing…

Your voice so gentle

Calm and soothing

You sketched away,

and I would watch,

Swift movement of your fingers

Cricket and badminton

Our favourite pastime

You would play with us

Made me a Tom boy

Hurried puffs from your

cigarette I often took

Your trust in me

I never over looked

Yes, a little of you in me

I always wanted…

I strongly willed

You remain immortal

Your living energy

Is all I wanted

Then came the time,

I had to let you go

Surrendering helplessly

To the laws of nature

My heart numbing

Wishing you

A better place of

Peace and tranquility

Hoping you have

left behind

A little of you in me,

That I always wanted…

Adios, to the man -

who gave me life

Till we meet again,

In another form and state

I will retain

A little of you in me,

That I always wanted…

Me now, left with memories

Your radiant smile,

Ever so readily displayed

Wider when to hide pain

Your well set teeth

That saw no cigarette stains

Compassionate soul

Most forgiving

A man so pure

Unpolluted, untouched

Your sense of purpose

Strong will power                                              

A man who hardly fought

Frustratingly passive

Yet life you loved

You fought for your breath

With all your might

I remember you smiled

Even in death

There were words

Unspoken

Wish you had shared -

Now I realize dear father

What you were up to…

You were silently giving me

All I wanted of you

And,

You still do...

   - Veena Panicker

      08.03.15

The Search

She sat at the windowsill
Her world seemed still
A hollowed-heart…
She was longing to fill

Wiping the winter frost
off the window glass
Her mind counted…
the many years, she had lost

She sat there in a trance
Saw scattered pieces in a glance
on the street that was now iced
of life that was once priced

Wind playing flute in the ear
abruptly breaking her reverie
Curtain of snowflakes in the air
Her soul dull and dreary

Sun glaring with all its might
Snow reflecting back his light
It was indeed a pretty sight
Yet she shut her eyes tight

She was used to the deception
What she saw was a mere reflection
World outside had a different dimension
It was all about the right perception

Her world frozen and stiff outside
She was cold and dead inside
Her gloom took her aside
from a life, she was yet to decide

Her brain, was it still ticking?
Her heart, could she hear it kicking?
Was blood still flowing through her veins?
Would you call this numbness or is it pain?

Her soul ever searching, reaching out
Yearning and giving a silent shout
Sadly she was heard by the hailstorm
Letting the ice pellets prick and sting 
She had no option, but to conform

She could no longer suffer the pining
Worn and disarrayed, she kept on walking
Alas! Her pangs were felt by icy streets
Devilish, they tugged her gently by the cleats
Slipping herself into their playful feat
She lay flat, broken ribs on sleet

Urging her senses to feel some warmth
She was spotted by wind chill from the North
Cutting her skin, slicing through her bones
She looked at her limbs, frostbit and forlorn

She was trying hard to hold her breath
To ward off the wind from entering her depths
Gasping for air as her lungs swelled
She was crawling on snow, strong will propelled

Ending this saga, she picked her frozen self
and brought herself, to land of the elves
Where the sun shone bright and for real
There was no ice or snow to interfere

Her mind hopeful as her body thawed
Melting pain while the burning gnawed
Dried and shrivelled from head to toe
She let herself go, wailing in woe

All that she possessed, were her beautiful eyes
She had saved them all along, by shutting them tight
At last she heard the voice, that felt just right
Her heart pounding fast, having reached her goal
Slowly she opened her eyes and met with her soul

Ink, you make me think…..

I see you and
get the urge
to feel you in my palm
Blot myself in your world
ever flowing and calm
Touch you, grip you and cup you in my hand
Rub you all over me, and roll in the sand

You make me go wild, heart racing in pangs
Feeling heady, my hair, dishevelled bangs
Yet other times, I take you, quite in control
One look and I hurl you, body and soul
You look back unyielding, in your ungainly sprawl
I sketch you in fury, canvas on wall
I see you flat, spreading with ease
slow and steady, in a lazy tease

My mind goes crazy, seeing you take form
I stand and watch you, move and perform
A tweak of affection, a light brush of my fingers
You need some cajoling, for an effect that lingers
Now that I have gained your trust,
in my hands you deftly sway
You make me powerful again
and I frame you away.

I take you back now and again
You are ever so welcoming,
there is no doubt or disdain
I desire you in your varied colours
All I want is to trace your contours

I use the blue in you to write on faith
Write on sky, sea, love and haze
In your coolness, I can bathe

I often need you more than ever
Moments when I feel insecure
The red in you, helps me conquer
As I pen away about strength and power

Yet there are times I feel overcome with love
You ignite my fire, it is you that I belove
Blending you vehemently in blue and red,
1, purple, throes of passion, with you in my bed

You make me feel so powerful
when I think of the black in you
Mystic and mysterious -
do want to swallow you
If death is what you bring to me
stretching my arms, embrace you elegantly
I let you take me over, delve as deep as can be

You are blood to the pen I see
The quill, it makes love to you with glee
You make the pen mightier than sword
I want your strength, promise to God

When I don’t indulge you in my life
See myself fretting, writhing in strife
I hate you at times, you look invincible
Had to do something, make you indelible
Quickly, I took you deep into my pores
I gave not a thought
to the pain and the sores
Etched onto my skin…
No mortal sin
You are now engraved deep within
In you I have found salvation’s key
My life is complete, you inked me

Mother, can I have a say?

Yes, she refused to cry
She could see faces
Peering
Searching
Smiling
Anxious
And she refused to cry

Next she was
Upside down
Her tiny feet held together
by those expert hands
local midwife from the town
Her li’l head swinging
Ears ringing
Heart pounding
Yet, she refused to cry

But not for long
could she have her way
A little thump on her back
and she wailed away
There was no looking back thereafter
Life being forced into her faster
With no option left for a barter
And she refused to cry

She had tried hard enough
so she could forever remain foetal
She knew better than to come out
for the world outside was fatal
And she refused to cry

Inside
That’s where she belonged
In the midst of water and warmth
She was spinning around in circles
Hard work, no miracles
She felt nothing but a blur
She got the cord to embrace her
There was no one to witness her thrill
Who said there was no free will
Softly she gave out a shrill
And there was no reason to cry

She felt safe and tight
Held by motherly might
She wished never to open her eyes
and she did tune out all the noise
Her heart singing to the glory of warmth
Slowly she slid her thumb into her mouth
Her senses taking in non-worldly pleasures
True bliss that she forever wanted to treasure
And there was no reason to cry

Then came a push
And another pull
Her blissful world began to rock
Oh mother, please let us talk
Eyes still shut, her heart started to plead
Oh mother, why don’t you pay any heed
Within her shut eyes
darkness loomed
Her head went blank
And noises boomed
Flesh feeling naked against the chill
She very well knew, there was no free will
It was a mother’s dream, she had to fulfil
And she refused to cry

She sought answers from her mother
whose eyes lovingly stared back at her
“Do you know, oh mother,
you need to be cruel to be kind?
Do you know, oh mother,
that I too have a mind?
Oh mother, your arms so beautiful,
your breasts so full,
your skin so soft, just like silk,
yet why is it that I refuse your milk?
I refuse your milk, oh mother,
Why can’t I have a say?
That cord between us why did you slay?
Your silence, oh mother,
hurts me more,
opening flood gates from the core
Answer oh mother, please do try…
Else, my heart will bleed and cry."

Sea Beckons

I sit leisurely and stare at the sea
Gazing at a singular point
Tracing with the world’s compass
It’s vastness,
so indifferent to me
whispering in my ears,

I can just be

The waves so curious
lunging towards me
as though to hear me out,
only to change their mind
and merge with the sea
The waves, they are a big tease
bringing back memories of him
who held my hand once with care
only to let go as he couldn’t dare
I do not wish to turn back and flee
I sit there with chin on my knee
Wishing to be that drop of water

So I could blend with the sea

Oh sea, how I wish I could be like you

So carefree, yet so true
The world, they don’t let me be
I am truly tired of the rumble
At my effortless gait, they grumble,
To please them I have to fake and stumble
Oh Sea, will you take me in your arms
Will you mould me into your charms
Let me lose myself in your salt
It is with you that I want to halt
Oh Sea, take charge and cleanse me
I promise shall give you all my tears
With you I shall rest all my fears.

Beauty of Silence

Lips forever smiling
Eyes ever so glowing
Hidden stories,
Never would be told
No excuse of relationships
No, you can’t touch
Do not speak
There is nothing to listen
Do feel it
Feel it within your soul
Shush, hush….
Silence!
Let us not give it a name.